Keep Your Energy Flowing in Relationships

In September I focused on the concept of keeping energy moving, like oil on canvas, as I introduced Donna Eden’s Daily Routine to support the physical body.  Today I am expanding this perspective by exploring energy flow within relationships.  I will describe the energetics of relationships and identify tools to unscramble your energy when you experience a conflict or relationship challenge.

Energetics of Relationships

Since humanity evolved within tribes, the nervous system developed under conditions in which survival depended upon the protection and shared responsibilities of tribal members.  As a result, the reptilian portion of the brain perceives conflict and relationship challenges as a threat to survival.  Even in modern times, when you argue with a loved one, the reptilian brain activates the body’s fight/flight/freeze response.  Blood flows away from the brain to the heart and lungs as the body prepares to fight or flee.  Hormones surge through your system.  Your perceptual focus narrows.  “Energetically, the auric field and the chakras become tight like a tense muscle, mobilizing you into emergency mode.”[i]  These conditions cause your energies to scramble and you lose access to many of the skills and capacities available when you are free from stress.  The more deeply we care about the person with whom we are interacting, the more strongly the stress response gets activated and the more muddled our energies become.

Tools to Unscramble Your Energy

One of the quickest ways to unscramble your energy is to use tools described in The Energies of Love by Donna Eden and her husband David Feinstein.  They published both a book and a DVD on this subject and they developed a STAR Pact that teaches people how to use Energy Medicine to keep their relationships thriving.  Although it is written for intimate couples, I find that these tools effectively unscramble my energy in any situation that activates my fight/flight/freeze response.  STAR is an acronym for a conflict-intervention process which includes the following four steps: Stop, Tap, Attune and Resolve.[ii]

The first step of the STAR Pact is to Stop.  This means that as soon as you recognize that your loving connection has been interrupted, that you are caught in a downward-spiraling pattern or that your energies are scrambled, you stop whatever you are doing and realign yourself.  Proceeding with jumbled energies invites an escalation of problems.  It is like watching television on a static-filled screen.  The static interrupts the clear flow of information and causes gaps in understanding, misinterpretations and erroneous conclusions.  This step is more difficult than it seems because you already have momentum carrying you along your previously established pathway of interacting.  Therefore, when you see that you have slipped into scrambled or negative energy, Stop.  Then proceed to the next step.

Tap means that you do The 4 Thumps exercise that you may already know from Eden’s Daily Routine.  This step grounds you, gets your energy flowing in the correct direction and centers your energies.

Attune means that you complete six additional exercises to realign your energies.  These tools remove the static in your energy field as they create space for your energy to flow freely, help your energy cross over, calm the fight/flight/freeze response and open your heart.  To Attune, do:

  • The Crown Pull
  • The Cross-Over Shoulder Pull
  • The Wayne Cook Posture
  • The Triple Warmer Smoothie
  • The Triple Warmer/Spleen Hug and
  • The Breath/Belly/Heart Technique

This set of techniques is from the DVD[iii] and differs, slightly, from the items listed in the Energies of Love book.  I prefer the DVD version because of the focus on the Triple Warmer meridian which relates to the fight/flight/freeze response.

If you have learned the Daily Routine that was introduced last month, you will recognize half of these exercises.  If you need a review, The 4 Thumps, Crown Pull, Cross-Over Shoulder Pull and Wayne Cook Posture are described in Eden’s Daily Routine which can be found at

To see a demonstration of:

Although I could not find a demonstration of the Breath/Belly/Heart Technique, it is easy to describe.  First, bring your awareness to your breath.  Then soften your belly.  Finally, place your hands over your heart as you gaze, lovingly, at your partner.  If you are unable to gaze lovingly, return to The 4 Thumps and then repeat the Attune process.

Engaging in these steps balances and stabilizes your energy so that you are calm, coherent and steady enough to move to Step 4 and Resolve the original concern.

The STAR Pact keeps your energy flowing in your relationships, like oil on canvas.  While every relationship is unique, in general, when you know how to maintain balance and coherence in your most intimate partnership you also have the skills to competently navigate all your relationships.

[i] Eden, D. and Feinstein, D. (2014). The Energies of Love. NY: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin. p. 83.

[ii] Eden, D. and Feinstein, D. (2014). Ibid., p. 80.

[iii] Eden, D. and Feinstein, D. (2017). The Energies of Love DVD. Studio: Innersource.

Image: Auric Fields of a Couple in Love from Light Emerging by Brennan, B. (1993). NY: Bantam Books. Figure 14-1. Art by Thomas J. Schneider and Joan Tartaglia.


About catherine grytting

healer, teacher, spiritual counselor, artist, writer, musician
This entry was posted in energy tools, intentional living and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Keep Your Energy Flowing in Relationships

  1. Interesting. Thank you for sharing this, Catherine.

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